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Asking for a Friend - Advice Column

Div J presents an advice column called Asking for a Friend…Academy Edition, where graduate students can anonymously ask questions or express concerns about navigating graduate school and academia to Div J representatives and senior scholars. Navigating graduate school AND academia can be difficult, but there is always a silver lining: This advice column affirms and reminds you that you belong.  

Asking for a friend…Academy Edition is a place for questions of any kind, from “What’s the best way to study in grad school?” to “What do I do when someone in my program has the same research topic as me?” and even serious questions like, “How do I choose my committee for dissertation?” or "Omg... My advisor is leaving; how do I navigate that?" Don’t worry; any questions posted here will be completely anonymous! No names, no problems. 

Latest Submissions:

Question: How do I maintain a relationship with my advisor (and committee) after graduating?

Developing relationships during your graduate education and maintaining them post-graduation is essential to creating your professional network. Advisors love to stay connected to their advisees. I appreciate an unsolicited email or text message from my former students updating me on their latest job transitions or life events. To stay connected, I would suggest you: 

  • Follow them on social media (LinkedIn, Facebook, X, etc.). 
  • Engage with their posts on social media. 
  • Ensure you have good non-university contact information (cell or alternate/personal email). 
  • Email, text, or message them your new position, title, and organization if you change jobs. 
  • Email, text, or message them about personal life updates you’d like to share. Indicate your interest in collaborating on a project before (or after) you graduate.
  • On the anniversary of your graduation, write a celebration post and thank them for new insights you’ve learned since graduation…and tag them in it! If your interests or experiences shift, discuss this with them and inform them of any new directions for your work or career. They can be helpful in brainstorming and even connecting you with others in their network. 
  • Discuss potential job applications with them before you submit them. Not for permission, but they might know of individuals at the organization or have insight into non-public information. 
  • Overall, to maintain good relationships, approach them with a genuine desire to be connected because you like them, not simply to receive the benefits of their association.

Question: What is the best way to organize and plan a timeline or schedule for a research project? 

Understand Yourself and the Project- I’ve found that knowing myself, understanding myself in the context of the project, and having a deeper understanding of the project itself is just as important as the actual plan. Answering these core questions about you and the project will be helpful in your planning: 

This complex question depends mainly on the project itself. But I can give you some general advice about planning that will be helpful. 

  • Why am I doing this project? What do I gain by doing this project? What do I lose by doing this project? 
  • How do I best work (time of day, location, etc.)? What do I need to do my best work (resources, support, etc.)? 
  • Who do I need to connect with to complete this project? Why do I need to communicate with them for this project? 
  • What potential challenges (time delays, participant recruitment issues, data access issues, etc.) might I encounter? 
  • When I encounter resistance, how can I stay on track? Consider internal and external opposition. 
  • Start with the End in Mind- I usually start with the end in mind. A deadline allows you to work backward and fill in tasks that help you meet your due date. If there is no due date, I encourage you to set one! That way, you have an end in sight and can structure your time to ensure you’re making progress. 
  • Remain Flexible- By the same token, remain flexible. Data collection, analysis, or another part of the project often takes longer than you planned. Instead of getting frustrated, adjust the timeline and ask for an extension in advance if you can predict a delay.

Question: How do you make your community of friendship? (I feel that it is tough to find my group in graduate school since everyone is so busy, and although I connect with individual students, they are not my group of friends)

Graduate school can be a lonely time, especially if you’ve moved to a new place and don’t know anyone, so I understand the importance of this question. First, let’s address your thinking about this critical step in relationship building. Reframe your mindset around building relationships. "Let it be easy," or it takes time to develop friendships and a friend group.” A friend of mine always says, “Let it be easy!” She says we tend to make things more complicated than necessary. In this case, I think you might be as well. So, how can you make building new friendships easy? How can you open yourself up to genuine people divinely ordered to be in your life without making it a struggle bus activity? 

Second, know that most friendships typically evolve. So, I would suggest you maybe change your expectations and allow the individual relationships you’re establishing the space to grow into meaningful relationships. Be open to starting slowly and building a trusting friendship by engaging in meaningful ways with them and you. While it is essential to establish friendships with colleagues in your program, I advocate having significant friendships with people outside of your program. They can provide different perspectives and safe places to reflect on your programmatic experiences. And who wants to talk about higher education ALL the time?! These friends can help you get out of your head and engage you in diverse conversations. 

Lastly, from your comments, I surmise you want a group of friends. So, it would be best to find groups of people with similar interests and may converge on places they all like to go. What are your hobbies? What would you like to learn? Explore these places, and I’m sure you can find people willing to extend their circle like you’re open to developing yours.

Asking for a Friend Advice Column Submissions (see the flyer below)

To submit any questions, inquiries, troubles, or any advice you or a friend may have or need, fill out the Google form.  https://forms.gle/xVmKA8TGnMDoYcZG9


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